THE KIWI WHO SOARED THE SKIES...

            The clock ticked and ticked and I can't seem to go to sleep. I was looking blankly at the ceiling of my room. Devoured by darkness, I looked at my watch and it's already 2:30 in the morning. The rain sang in a gentle sound outside my room. I decided to sit up and plug my earphones. I turned my iPod on and pressed play.

            "A strangled smile fell from your face. It kills me that I hurt you this way. The worst part is that I didn't even know..."

            A scene flashed as I close my eyes. I was sitting in a jeepney, looking at the perfect feature of the girl beside me. She tried to avoid my eyes and instead stared outside. I asked her if there's something wrong, but she just shook her head. When it was time to bid farewell, she gave me a smile and waved goodbye.

            "Now there's a million reasons for you to go but if you can find a reason to stay..."

            The scene disappeared into nothingness and I found myself back into my dark room. I looked for my cellular phone and when I finally found it, I browsed my saved messages and found one of hers. It was the message she sent to me saying she wants to break up with me. I stared at it for a minute or so, trying to comprehend the things that happened to us.

            "I'll do whatever it takes to turn this around. I know what's at stake. I know that I've let you down..."

            I made myself believe that it was my mother's fault. She texted the girl that I loved the most, saying that it was because of her that I became the black sheep of our family. It must have hurt my girl so much that's why she chose to break up with me although we loved each other. She was forced to be crucified because of the sins she didn't even commit. "It's my mother's fault! Why can't she understand my feelings for that girl? Why?" I blamed my mother. It even reached the point where I cussed her because of anger. However, just now, I found out that it's not my mother's fault. It was mine all along.

            "And if you give me a chance and believe that I can change, I'll keep us together whatever it takes..."

            I had been too honest. I didn't know back then that too much honesty would bring catastrophic consequences. I told my parents that I loved this girl. However, because our religion doesn't allow us to have relationships with those who don't have the same faith as us, my mother didn't like my girl. It fumed me so much because we've got everything planned back then. Or so I thought. I've become grumpy with my mother, been too honest to her about how I really feel and it might have offended her because it would seem that I would choose my girl over her. It was true though. We always fought especially when my girl's name was involved. Who wouldn't stand up for the one we love the most when he/she is getting offended by other people? If only I hadn't been cantankerous... If only I hadn't been too honest on how I feel... If only I hadn't told my parents about her...

            "But do you remember the time I told you the way that I felt? That I'd be lost without you and never find myself?"

            A tear fell from my face. I tried to wipe it out but the tears just fell one after the other. I succumbed to my loneliness asking myself: "Wouldn't we still be together if it hadn't been for my flaw? Wouldn't we still be laughing together and spending time together if it hadn't been for me?"

            "I'll do whatever it takes..."

            I continued to blame myself. I stared at the ceiling, tears still flowing on my cheeks...

            "And if you give me a chance..."

            "She's gone," I told myself. She won't be back. I would just be a part of her memory, a bad one that she would later on forget. I will just be a dream turned into a nightmare for her.

            "I'll keep us together whatever it takes..."

            I calmed myself down and wiped my tears away. The song ended at that moment but I decided to play it back and minimized the volume. I closed my eyes and talked to God. I prayed, telling Him everything that I feel, asking Him if anything would have change if I had been flawless. As I open my eyes again, I feel the pain fading away. I looked at my watch for the second time and it was already 5:20 in the morning. I looked outside the windows. The sun was about to shine any minute now.

            "... whatever it takes."

            The song just ended again. I wasn't aware how many times I played it back. I decided to turn my iPod off and stood up. I fixed my bed and realized that it's just another day where I'm stuck between times - that past and this present.

            (I would like to thank Ms. Arianne Balaoing for allowing me to use her style on this essay and for editing this. Thanks Ianne! :D)