THE KIWI WHO SOARED THE SKIES...

“The Filipino is worth dying for.” – Benigno Servillano “Ninoy” Aquino Jr.

This line was actually world famous. Well, who wouldn’t know him? But do you think what he said is still true at this point of time?

The first automated election was just held this May 10, 2010. Well, people expected some technical difficulties or some sort but thank God nothing happened. Well, something happened to tell the truth. It’s the first automated election in which people didn’t use their right to vote “wisely.”

Currently, Mr. Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino is on top. There is already an 87% chance he would win if I may say. But let’s not talk about that. Let’s analyze a very small thing a bit deeper: why the heck is Ex-President Joseph Ejercito “Erap” Estrada on the second place?

Last January 17, 2001, the Epifanio de los Santos Avenue road was again filled with millions of people, better known as the EDSA II Revolution and lasted for 4 days. The reason for this revolution is to throw away the current president at that time, Erap, from his seat. Erap, seeing this united but peaceful resolution of the people, decided to step down from the seat on January 20, 2001, making Gloria Macapagal Arroyo the President of the Philippines.

Millions of people joined this revolution. Millions of Filipinos wanted to throw him away from his seat. But then, why the heck did he also get millions of votes from Filipinos now?!

Don’t get me wrong, I have NOTHING against Ex-President Joseph Estrada but can’t those people who voted for him see that those millions of votes that they gave him were actually just put into waste? Come on, the PEOPLE threw him away from his seat and now, those same PEOPLE are actually wanting to re-appoint him?! What the heck is wrong with you people? Are you trying to say to everyone else that, “Hey, we made a mistake on making him leave his post, let’s re-appoint him!” Are you trying to say that you actually wasted 4 days of your damn precious life making him leave his post?

I’m disappointed, really. Those millions of votes that he got would have been better off given to any of those other candidates. Did you dislike Noynoy? Then you should have given it to Gibo instead. Dislike them both? Hey, Gordon, Villar and the other candidates still exist you know. It’s actually better, rather than giving it to someone you threw away from the post.

Seeing these results, I wonder if Ninoy would have still said that world-famous phrase if he is still living now.

“Where am I? What’s this place? It’s the same place but why is this like this? I recognize it but it feels like it’s not the same…”

It’s been a month and I hardly recognize what this place is. At first, I believed that it will be the same as always like when I was still in the Far East, that the only difference is the geographical location and its climate.

But I was gravely mistaken.

“We’ve changed,” an old man about 60 years old said. When he said these very words, I felt like what is left in this very soul of mine has been torn apart again. He was explaining something to someone but I didn’t care. I was trying to close my ears from every sound that is surrounding me. I just don’t want to feel my soul be torn apart more than it is now. It hurts.

In the Far East, in these kind of situations, I would have sent group messages to people, pestering them with my whines about how life is f*cking and messing me. Though some or should I say most of them wouldn’t care, having someone read it means a lot to me and makes me feel better even for just a day, an hour, a minute, or even a second. It feels like someone, at the very least, listened to my cries of pain and tried to understand me even though in reality, they really don’t. But as you can see, things are just not the same. No matter how f*cked up I become, there will be no one.

To tell the truth, I’m sick and tired of whining about everything. But most of the times, it’s the only thing that I can actually do. I’m always in situations where one wants to just die to stop the bleeding that one feels inside but oh well, the One above us all seems to not want to let me rest yet. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had enough suffering yet?

“I’m sorry,” said the old man after the long discussion. I’m wondering whether what the sorry is for and if he really meant it. Somehow it doesn’t feel he does. Well, who am I to judge him? I’m not God.

I wonder. When I said sorry to a certain girl, did she not believe me like the way I do not believe that old man? Had she had enough of me saying a bit too many sorry to a bit too many mistakes of mine?

I don’t really know.

I wish she was here. I miss the way how everything still feels it will be alright no matter how much it really isn’t.

I guess the “home” where I once felt is now burned to the ground and will forever be out of my sight.

“Kung hindi siya, huwag na lang.” – Sen. Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro Jr.

Hm, I heard that phrase from a certain T.V. show and it caught my attention. Can you guess why? Well, basically, it’s what runs in my head every time they say I should just find other “fishes” in this vast ocean.

It’s been exactly 8 months and 9 days since that happened (if I’m not quite mistaken). Many things already happened. Many things have changed. I myself know that she doesn’t feel a thing for me now. However, no matter how stupid you call me, how fool you think of me and how much you pity me, something really haven’t changed a bit: I still do love her.

This has been my problem since she broke up with me. I can’t stop thinking about her, if not all day, it’s a nightlong suffering. I miss her and at the same time I’m hurt by the truth that no matter what I do, it’s hard (if not impossible) to bring her back. My mind always wanders aimlessly into a time and space that would never exist. A vacuum where she and I are still together, living in a fairytale-like story that would end in a “happily ever after.”

Even though I’m now in the far west (based on man’s own sense of direction), nothing much really changed except the climate here. It’s VERY VERY COLD here. It’s a place that is exactly the opposite of the place where I came from. When you go outside during the day, you’d feel the warmth of the sun’s rays, yes, but it’s still dead COLD. It even worsens during the night (oh by the way, the current time in here is 4:40 A.M.).

I was just thinking why in the world I can’t move on. She wasn’t the first girl that I loved after all (fact: I was rejected by about 6-8 girls, can’t really remember the exact number, some of them where crushes, but there are some that I really did love. Well, I still got rejected by them anyway until she came).

And you know what? I came up with a simple yet stupid answer. Haha. It’s okay if you’d laugh, but it’s true. The answer was that I considered her as my wife (you can laugh, go ahead). Pathetic, isn’t it? A 17 year old that was in a relationship with a 15 year old, thinking of her as his wife. Come on, it’s insane isn’t it? Yeah, call it crazy, call it insane, call it every name you can call it. But I call it “love”.

I keep on telling myself, “No, come on; don’t be stupid. She’s not your wife. She doesn’t even want and will never want to marry you right now or in the near future, wake up!” But guess what? I’m really am just plain stupid. I answered myself humbly, “I didn’t love her to love me back.” And there you go; my other self won’t answer back. Plain stupid, isn’t it?

Someone said that time heals everything. Yeah, I know that. Everyone does. However, I don’t need to be healed or let me just rephrase that as “I don’t want to be healed” for some unknown reason (at least we know it’s another stupid one).

Maybe I should just stop thinking, no? It’s already 5:02 A.M. here. I feel a bit sleepy, but let me write a short letter for her (even though there’s just one in a million chances for her to be able to read this):


Dear ____________,

I’ll always love you.

-- J.D.

            How long has it been since I wrote something that should be concealed from everyone else? How long has it been since I tried to drown myself from everything else in this world with the use of a small gadget with its earphones plugged in my ears? I can't even remember properly. Oh, I forgot, I always tend to forget everything since that day.

            Right now, a series of mixed emotions are slowly flowing through my veins. I looked around but all I can see is darkness (well, the lights are turned off, no wonder). I was curled up like a ball in my bed, biting my hands as hard as I can just to calm myself. Yes, I'm insane right now. But would you be able to roll your eyes or laugh at me as you read that phrase if you're in the same shoe as me? Well, I know you won't be able to, or at least, I hope you won't be able to because if you'd be able to, you're just plain cold-hearted.

            I looked at my cellular phone, hoping that there would be a message to read (just to pass time). But who the hell would send a message during this time of the morning? It's just 3:37 A.M. Well, since it's futile to wait, I decided to turn my full attention to the music currently playing in Terzo.03 (he's my iPod Nano, 5^th Generation). "I'll escape reality for awhile," I said to myself. So the music dragged on with me paying none of my attention to anything else. And as it serenade my mind, my lips unconsciously followed every bit of its lyrics silently:

I'm gonna ride this plane out of your life again
I wish that I could stay, but you argued
More than this I wish, you could've seen my face
In backseats staring out, the window

I'll do anything for you
Kill anyone for you

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back
In a phrase to cut these lips
I love you

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up

I've earned through hope and faith
On the curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever
If morning never comes for either one of us
Then this I pray to you wherever

I'll do anything for you
This story is for you
('Cause I'd do anything you want me to for you)
I'll do anything for you
Kill anyone for you

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back
In a phrase to cut these lips
I loved you

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
'Til you decide to wake up

            My consciousness continued to slip away, so I'm not quite sure how many times my lips followed the said song. As I opened my eyes, I saw a gentle light from my window. "So, it's morning again, huh?" I said to myself. I thought that even though every night seems to be hellish, I have always been given the chance to witness another day of life (even though for me, it really seems irrelevant to continue living now, seriously). I straightened my back and prayed to the one who gave me this precious gift (yes, I think it's still precious despite how much irrelevant I think it is for me).

            The clock ticked and ticked and I can't seem to go to sleep. I was looking blankly at the ceiling of my room. Devoured by darkness, I looked at my watch and it's already 2:30 in the morning. The rain sang in a gentle sound outside my room. I decided to sit up and plug my earphones. I turned my iPod on and pressed play.

            "A strangled smile fell from your face. It kills me that I hurt you this way. The worst part is that I didn't even know..."

            A scene flashed as I close my eyes. I was sitting in a jeepney, looking at the perfect feature of the girl beside me. She tried to avoid my eyes and instead stared outside. I asked her if there's something wrong, but she just shook her head. When it was time to bid farewell, she gave me a smile and waved goodbye.

            "Now there's a million reasons for you to go but if you can find a reason to stay..."

            The scene disappeared into nothingness and I found myself back into my dark room. I looked for my cellular phone and when I finally found it, I browsed my saved messages and found one of hers. It was the message she sent to me saying she wants to break up with me. I stared at it for a minute or so, trying to comprehend the things that happened to us.

            "I'll do whatever it takes to turn this around. I know what's at stake. I know that I've let you down..."

            I made myself believe that it was my mother's fault. She texted the girl that I loved the most, saying that it was because of her that I became the black sheep of our family. It must have hurt my girl so much that's why she chose to break up with me although we loved each other. She was forced to be crucified because of the sins she didn't even commit. "It's my mother's fault! Why can't she understand my feelings for that girl? Why?" I blamed my mother. It even reached the point where I cussed her because of anger. However, just now, I found out that it's not my mother's fault. It was mine all along.

            "And if you give me a chance and believe that I can change, I'll keep us together whatever it takes..."

            I had been too honest. I didn't know back then that too much honesty would bring catastrophic consequences. I told my parents that I loved this girl. However, because our religion doesn't allow us to have relationships with those who don't have the same faith as us, my mother didn't like my girl. It fumed me so much because we've got everything planned back then. Or so I thought. I've become grumpy with my mother, been too honest to her about how I really feel and it might have offended her because it would seem that I would choose my girl over her. It was true though. We always fought especially when my girl's name was involved. Who wouldn't stand up for the one we love the most when he/she is getting offended by other people? If only I hadn't been cantankerous... If only I hadn't been too honest on how I feel... If only I hadn't told my parents about her...

            "But do you remember the time I told you the way that I felt? That I'd be lost without you and never find myself?"

            A tear fell from my face. I tried to wipe it out but the tears just fell one after the other. I succumbed to my loneliness asking myself: "Wouldn't we still be together if it hadn't been for my flaw? Wouldn't we still be laughing together and spending time together if it hadn't been for me?"

            "I'll do whatever it takes..."

            I continued to blame myself. I stared at the ceiling, tears still flowing on my cheeks...

            "And if you give me a chance..."

            "She's gone," I told myself. She won't be back. I would just be a part of her memory, a bad one that she would later on forget. I will just be a dream turned into a nightmare for her.

            "I'll keep us together whatever it takes..."

            I calmed myself down and wiped my tears away. The song ended at that moment but I decided to play it back and minimized the volume. I closed my eyes and talked to God. I prayed, telling Him everything that I feel, asking Him if anything would have change if I had been flawless. As I open my eyes again, I feel the pain fading away. I looked at my watch for the second time and it was already 5:20 in the morning. I looked outside the windows. The sun was about to shine any minute now.

            "... whatever it takes."

            The song just ended again. I wasn't aware how many times I played it back. I decided to turn my iPod off and stood up. I fixed my bed and realized that it's just another day where I'm stuck between times - that past and this present.

            (I would like to thank Ms. Arianne Balaoing for allowing me to use her style on this essay and for editing this. Thanks Ianne! :D)

            "If you love a person, set him/her free. If he/she comes back, then he/she is yours. If he/she doesn't, he/she never was."

Okay. First of all, this is about LOVE. If you're sick and tired of the stories, entries, etc. about the said topic then just stop reading right at this point.

Now, I will assume that you're quite interested with what I have to say because you continued reading. So let's start of with the definition of love. What the heck is love anyway?

"Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment," according to Wikipedia;

"It is an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for others," defined by the Merriam-Webster's Dictionary and Thesaurus;

"It can't be explained by any theories or reasons," speculated by Science;

And "it can never be calculated (of course)," stated by Mathematics.

Next question is: why do you fall in love with a person?

One person may say that "it's because he/she was so kind to me." Another may say that "it's because he/she made me feel comfortable and secure when I was in catastrophe." Another one may state that "it's because they had known each other for a very long time that's why we understand each other well." These are just some of the possible answers when you ask a random person the question that I am discussing but have you ever heard a person with an answer "I don't know?" (Thinking it's corny? Think again.)

If you have a reason why you fell in love with a certain person, then what would happen if that reason disappears? Wouldn't you fall out of love? Falling in love with a person shouldn't have any reasons, if that is "true" love. I know some of you are disagreeing right at the moment you've read that statement but think of this: if you loved a person because of a reason, then you don't love the person at all. You just like his/her qualities. Why? You loved the reason (his/her qualities), not the person.

Now, if you don't have any reason why you fell in love, don't you think it would be troublesome?

YES, it would be.

Look at this: if you have a reason and that reason disappears, then you can already fall out of love, end of story, but what if you don't have any reason that would disappear to let you fall out of love?

The answer to that is experiencing pain.

In a relationship in which love is in its center, we would really experience misunderstandings. With this, we would be hurt because, we're all different persons that's why whether we like it or not, even if we love a person, we would dislike/hate some of his/her qualities but if you're really serious with the said relationship, you should accept that fact that the person we love can never be the definition of our "perfect" man/woman. Loving him/her is accepting everything about him/her and making him/her the "perfect" one for us. "True" love would make you obstinate and irrational that's why despite of being in pain and being hurt, we still continue to love that person. Now, do you get it why people say that love and pain comes in pairs?

Then, how much pain should we endure? (Why am I asking this? It's because you might think that "true" love should be taking all the pain.)

The answer is: it is up to you. We have different ways of thinking as well as emotional capacities. Some may break up with you already because of situations that are intolerable for him/her. It would hurt VERY much when one decides to end your relationship just because of this (but please don't question his/her love for you. As I've commented a while ago, "true" love doesn't mean taking all the pain especially if you're beyond your limit.) When faced in this situation, two options would always be available for you. One is to be a persistent fool and continue to be arrogant; one that he/she would be considering as obsession and not love anymore (people have different perspectives in obsession. Some don't consider it as love but actually, it is just extreme love overshadowed by selfishness). Or just let go. "If it already hurts you so much then just let go," as said by my friends.

"Let go."

It's very funny how a very short word can be so hard to put into action. It may even surpass the ever-trusted quote "if there's a will, there will always be a way," if you're obstinate enough.

Can't let go? It's not his/her problem so set him/her free first. He/she still has the right to choose how to live his/her life. You can't choose what he/she should choose. He/she is not your puppet.

After doing what is right, choose whether to hold on for a while and stay as friends (even though I know you won't treat him/her as a "friend" even if you're just treated as such. *wink*) or isolate yourself from her. Both would make you feel hell but which one is better to choose? Whether you believe me or not, it's better to hold on for a while. It's a tormenting like the other, but it would provide you a very small amount of happiness, so it's still worth it (martyrdom? Well, if that's how you want to think of it, then so be it.) You don't have to rush things. You'd know when to give up being a "martyr" anyway. It would directly hit you in the face. So if you have time to worry about letting go, why not worry yourself with other things instead? Trust me on this. Just continue to love him/her like there's no tomorrow. Who knows, what you're doing may touch his/her heart and everything might end well.

If he/she wants to be freed, set him/her free. If he/she comes back, he/she is YOURS. If not, he/she NEVER WAS.