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Monday, March 8, 2010
Short Message...
“Kung hindi siya, huwag na lang.” – Sen. Gilbert “Gibo” Teodoro Jr.
Hm, I heard that phrase from a certain T.V. show and it caught my attention. Can you guess why? Well, basically, it’s what runs in my head every time they say I should just find other “fishes” in this vast ocean.
It’s been exactly 8 months and 9 days since that happened (if I’m not quite mistaken). Many things already happened. Many things have changed. I myself know that she doesn’t feel a thing for me now. However, no matter how stupid you call me, how fool you think of me and how much you pity me, something really haven’t changed a bit: I still do love her.
This has been my problem since she broke up with me. I can’t stop thinking about her, if not all day, it’s a nightlong suffering. I miss her and at the same time I’m hurt by the truth that no matter what I do, it’s hard (if not impossible) to bring her back. My mind always wanders aimlessly into a time and space that would never exist. A vacuum where she and I are still together, living in a fairytale-like story that would end in a “happily ever after.”
Even though I’m now in the far west (based on man’s own sense of direction), nothing much really changed except the climate here. It’s VERY VERY COLD here. It’s a place that is exactly the opposite of the place where I came from. When you go outside during the day, you’d feel the warmth of the sun’s rays, yes, but it’s still dead COLD. It even worsens during the night (oh by the way, the current time in here is 4:40 A.M.).
I was just thinking why in the world I can’t move on. She wasn’t the first girl that I loved after all (fact: I was rejected by about 6-8 girls, can’t really remember the exact number, some of them where crushes, but there are some that I really did love. Well, I still got rejected by them anyway until she came).
And you know what? I came up with a simple yet stupid answer. Haha. It’s okay if you’d laugh, but it’s true. The answer was that I considered her as my wife (you can laugh, go ahead). Pathetic, isn’t it? A 17 year old that was in a relationship with a 15 year old, thinking of her as his wife. Come on, it’s insane isn’t it? Yeah, call it crazy, call it insane, call it every name you can call it. But I call it “love”.
I keep on telling myself, “No, come on; don’t be stupid. She’s not your wife. She doesn’t even want and will never want to marry you right now or in the near future, wake up!” But guess what? I’m really am just plain stupid. I answered myself humbly, “I didn’t love her to love me back.” And there you go; my other self won’t answer back. Plain stupid, isn’t it?
Someone said that time heals everything. Yeah, I know that. Everyone does. However, I don’t need to be healed or let me just rephrase that as “I don’t want to be healed” for some unknown reason (at least we know it’s another stupid one).
Maybe I should just stop thinking, no? It’s already 5:02 A.M. here. I feel a bit sleepy, but let me write a short letter for her (even though there’s just one in a million chances for her to be able to read this):
Dear ____________,
I’ll always love you.
-- J.D.
Hm, I heard that phrase from a certain T.V. show and it caught my attention. Can you guess why? Well, basically, it’s what runs in my head every time they say I should just find other “fishes” in this vast ocean.
It’s been exactly 8 months and 9 days since that happened (if I’m not quite mistaken). Many things already happened. Many things have changed. I myself know that she doesn’t feel a thing for me now. However, no matter how stupid you call me, how fool you think of me and how much you pity me, something really haven’t changed a bit: I still do love her.
This has been my problem since she broke up with me. I can’t stop thinking about her, if not all day, it’s a nightlong suffering. I miss her and at the same time I’m hurt by the truth that no matter what I do, it’s hard (if not impossible) to bring her back. My mind always wanders aimlessly into a time and space that would never exist. A vacuum where she and I are still together, living in a fairytale-like story that would end in a “happily ever after.”
Even though I’m now in the far west (based on man’s own sense of direction), nothing much really changed except the climate here. It’s VERY VERY COLD here. It’s a place that is exactly the opposite of the place where I came from. When you go outside during the day, you’d feel the warmth of the sun’s rays, yes, but it’s still dead COLD. It even worsens during the night (oh by the way, the current time in here is 4:40 A.M.).
I was just thinking why in the world I can’t move on. She wasn’t the first girl that I loved after all (fact: I was rejected by about 6-8 girls, can’t really remember the exact number, some of them where crushes, but there are some that I really did love. Well, I still got rejected by them anyway until she came).
And you know what? I came up with a simple yet stupid answer. Haha. It’s okay if you’d laugh, but it’s true. The answer was that I considered her as my wife (you can laugh, go ahead). Pathetic, isn’t it? A 17 year old that was in a relationship with a 15 year old, thinking of her as his wife. Come on, it’s insane isn’t it? Yeah, call it crazy, call it insane, call it every name you can call it. But I call it “love”.
I keep on telling myself, “No, come on; don’t be stupid. She’s not your wife. She doesn’t even want and will never want to marry you right now or in the near future, wake up!” But guess what? I’m really am just plain stupid. I answered myself humbly, “I didn’t love her to love me back.” And there you go; my other self won’t answer back. Plain stupid, isn’t it?
Someone said that time heals everything. Yeah, I know that. Everyone does. However, I don’t need to be healed or let me just rephrase that as “I don’t want to be healed” for some unknown reason (at least we know it’s another stupid one).
Maybe I should just stop thinking, no? It’s already 5:02 A.M. here. I feel a bit sleepy, but let me write a short letter for her (even though there’s just one in a million chances for her to be able to read this):
Dear ____________,
I’ll always love you.
-- J.D.
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